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I am really upset and noone will answer their phone. I find myself reaching out here. Maybe for support, to deal with this information in writing... I dont know but I am trying to keep it together.

My sons father, born in 66, just dropped dead of a heart attack. I am sitting here balling. I havent seen him in over 16 yrs, but he is my child's father. There is a love with that which never dies. I learned that today.

My heart is in pieces... as I sit here writing this my lil man is sleeping so contently, tried from working practially all night. I looked in on him and even at 18, he still looks like a baby angel when sleeping. Oblivious to the agonizing news he has to endure. God bless my baby!

How do I tell him this? What do I do? I need to make arrangements to get to NC. I need to do that. Thats what I need to do.

I cant do anything, all I find myself doing is vacuuming, watering the plants, moving moving moving as long as I dont stop this isnt so.

hey Mik--so sorry to hear about your ex....has your son stayed in contact with him over the years? Are they close?

kim

Yes, he and I arent though. He remained very bitter.

His mama and I are still very close though. Always were. I still havent told my son.

What awful news! If you need someone to chat to, you know where I am Mik...

*hugs*

Dani

My baby still dont know.

Im not old enough to handle this right.

Mik--you need to sit down with him and tell him. He needs to mourn with the rest of the family (his grandma for one). It is not going to be easy hun, but the only way to ever move past this one is to walk straight through it.

Ask for the strength you need sweetie-you will find it. This you gotta do for your boy.

extra hugs-kim

sorry Mik, that was me

Not a skill that one acquires with age, but your son needs to know. Not only does he need to deal with losing his dad, he also has to consider changes that might be right in his life with a family history of a very young MI. Hang tough!

My arms are around you and your son and your extended family, current hubby and kids because when you and your son grieve they will hurt for you and feel helpless to do a thing to make it better.

You and your family are in my prayers tonight.

You are right Sue, Jeff isnt mad that we are upset but upset that we are upset. If that makes any sense. When the mother of his kids passes (alcoholic diabetic so it wont be too long which is why he left her) I will HAVE to remember that he isnt griefing out of love for HER but out of love for his children. It hurts to know anyone has lost a parent... it kills you to have to tell your chilren they have. Jeff will hurt and cry to and I will hold him. Not be confused why he feels that way for now I know.

My son is acting like a nutjob with no feelings and I wanna smack him in the back of the head for being so strong, robotic, auto-pilot-like. He wont deal with this now. He will go through the motions but in the depths of his aloneness is where he will choose to grief. Like me, my baby didnt cry when he was a baby. Hard press to jerk a tear in public for us. Yet, on the same hand I believe it takes a REAL MAN to show emotions. Yet, Im not 'big' enough to do it.

I stepped back and respected his new found authority. He didnt back talk me he just has simply NEVER tried me or my word. So, that was shocking. To see him assert his manhood in such a pleasant way. A lot of kids have to fight and curse their parents to prove to them they are grown. Matthew just school and turned 18... no drama.

I was sitting on the couch and Matthew had been sleeping. It was late in the day because he works nights alot to help us with his brothers (getting them to games, drs, whatever). He walked out of his room and most of you have an idea of how my house is set up. Just one big open room with bedroom walls, kinda... I dont know bare with me as I beat this **** out.

He and I, as always, maintained eye-contact from his room until he sits at my feet, I had been napping to because I had a panic attack and had to take some medicine earlier. So this was the first time we had seen eachother sense it happened.

I said 'I love you Matt-Matt (just what I've always called him as a pet name) Love you to ma, why you sleeping? The bus will be here in a minute? And with the uncanny ability I have with words (sarcasism, they just pop out like a 4 yr old) I said Matt-Matt, youre daddy isnt doing good. He said doing good mama? He is dead!? I ask him who he had talked to and he hadnt talked to anyone.

I said then how do you know? He looked me in the eyes and said 'when you live life like daddy did mama, its only a matter of time. I have already dealth with this so I didnt have to standing over him.

Thats when he started gathering up his brothers and I just let them all go. Let Matt create the environment he needed at that time. He loves his daddy. He will miss his daddy. But he watched his Daddy all his life and through that was never able to respect his daddy.

For some 3 plus yrs now he has called Jeff Dad and says 'my dad' when referring to Jeff. Didnt like that much at first for he had a father but let him do as he wanted and Jeff certainly didnt mind. He also stopped going to NC, almost all together to see his daddy.

Hindsight 20/20, Jeff took him in, loved him, taught him to turn a wrench, how to approach chicks, how to be a brother, praised him for always being a good boy 'cuz your mama has had it hard', how to tye a tie, how to negotiate deals, how to be a stong man without saying a word.

To Matthew, that is what a Daddy is. He still has his daddy. He has lost his father. Maybe some of this makes sense to someone. Im still like duh.

Yes, my brother had a father too- but my dad is his Dad in all the ways that matter.

My condolences. It's difficult to lose anyone close to you, even if it was a long time ago.

Hope it's a little less fuzzy to you today.
I think it's the way we deal with the intense pain.
We don't realize all of it at once. Give yourself
time, and give Matthew time. It takes a while to
process it. The recommendation after a loss is
to not make any major decisions for a year after
a loss. So it takes a long time, and everyone
grieves in their own way. We're here for you.
Thinking of you. Still in my prayers.

Mik,

So sorry to hear your news. Your son seems to be handling things like a man, but more importantly, like a decent human being. My hat is off to you and your husband for raising him as such.

I read somewhere that you are never truly adult until a parent has passed, I never gave it much thought until my parents both passed away within three years of each other and the truth of it hit me like a lightning bolt.

Your son has a long journey to go, thank God he learned what he should be from you and your husband, but just as importantly, what not to be from his father.

Love and respect to you and your family,

Skippie

Thank you all so very much.

Today Im left with the feeling of wanting to sit him down and say CRY DAMMIT! THIS IS YOUR DADDY. But I know better than that.

Matthew hurts like an animal goes off to die. In the recesses of his own mind with a smile on his face.

Thats always scared the hell out it me.

Matthew isnt dealing with it, going about life but now at even a faster pace. He cant 'work' through this and thats what he is doing... working constantly.

Has it hit him? Yeah. He just keeps saying 'Mama, Im ok, when you live a life like Daddy did it is only a matter of time'. I have always known that he says. Why are you so shocked and upset Mama? He would wait for you to be dropped in the ground and dance on your grave.

Truth is, He's right.

sorry to hear for your loss Mik.

but he will deal with it in his own way.
in the last year i have lost 3 very close to me (i'm only 21)

all i can say is be there for him, don't keep asking how he's doing, or bringing up the fact.

if he's anything like me he will prolly do what i did.
life went on as usual untill i went to do something that they would be there for (one of them was going to the local for a pint)

none of thier passes was unexpected, but i had always seen one of them at the pub every friday, it was 2 fridays after his funeral i was getting ready to go out and i realised that Geoff wouldn't be there.

i broke right down and was a total mess, i had known him for my whole life and then i realised he was gone.

hope this helps you see into the mind of a younger generation.

all i can say is be sure your there when it does happen.

Adam

It *Really* helps Jasper. I know my son would never hurt himself but isnt that what every other Mama is crying as they lower her baby into the ground... I had no idea.

Youre right, he has said, enough is enough ma. If he has anything he needs me for, he assured me he'd come to me but he said, 'Mama, just please stop trying to make it better'.

In otherwords, shut up mama, huh?

He doesnt want to go to his daddys funeral and that makes me angry with him. He says, 'Daddy knows how I feel, I dont have to go stand over him dead to tell him'. But isnt that part of acceptance? Seeing the person dead?

Death is something, thank god, Im not well-versed in. My granny died but I packed and left the rez the very minute she took her last breath, as she had instructed me to do. So I didnt 'have to deal' with the actual mourning as we do conventionally... viewing, funeral, ect.

Then I think... what if it were me? Would he not be there at my funeral? Im just so confused about all of this.

'Daddy knows how I feel, I dont have to go stand over him dead to tell him'

thats is part of his grieving process, i would let him decide if he wants to go or not.
just do as he says and give him space, i know when i had trouble the first people i talked to was my best friends (we are a really close nit group).
after u talked it out with them, i was able to talk to my parents.

give him hjis space, he WILL come to you when he's ready, he might not want to goto the funeral, but do make sure you know where he is to be burried/scatterd.

My mom died when I was 17 & I don't think I could talk about my feelings (or even know my feelings) for a long time. Looking back, it was just the best way I had to cope at the time. Learned to forgive myself and my mom many years later. He will get there & is lucky to have someone to give him the stability & love he needs to get there.